


Break Your Heart

by notjustmom



Series: Season 4 Song Fics [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Song fics, Spoilers for Season 4, author needs to forgive John for TLD, mention of Mary Watson death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-17 16:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9333560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjustmom/pseuds/notjustmom
Summary: "I know that it will hurtI know that it will break your heartThe way things areAnd the way they've beenAnd the way they've always been..."-Break Your Heart, Natalie Merchant





	1. Break Your Heart

He crumpled the paper again, then smoothed it out again on his knee.

 

"You killed her."

 

YOU killed her.

 

You KILLED her.

 

You killed HER.

 

Such a short sentence, Sherlock thought as he shoved the note into the pocket of his dressing gown, and yet, it became a life sentence for him. She had sentenced him to live. Why him of all people? It was so much easier before...before John, before Irene, before Mary, and Rosie. Rosie. For Rosie. 

"Will caring about them help save them?"

John had shaken his head, "No." But the disappointment in his friend's eyes still hurt. No one else had that power over him. Until Mary. 

 

Mary.

 

She had blindsided him, and yet understood him better than anyone. Even John didn't get him like she had. Mary was a kindred spirit. She knew her time was precious, and yet, she could have just killed him, a single kill shot, child's play; instead she gave him a chance. A slight chance, but a chance nevertheless. Perhaps it was a test, she needed to know how strong his heart was? John never could understand how he forgave her. But Sherlock understood the sentiment. Hadn't he gone off a building to save John? John still hadn't forgiven him, he hadn't understood. Perhaps he never would...

 

"You killed her."

 

John would never forgive him. Not ever. And yet...

 

"Save John Watson, Sherlock. Save him....Go straight into hell like you mean it...I promise you, if he thinks you need him, he will be there..."

 

Sherlock sighed and picked up the syringe. "Meet you there, Mary."


	2. A Hard Rains Gonna Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son  
> "And where have you been, my darling young one  
> I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains  
> I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways  
> I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests  
> I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans  
> I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard  
> And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard  
> It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall..."
> 
> -"A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall," Bob Dylan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this scene happens on the night Sherlock and Faith go out for chips.

John stared at the bottle. The bottle that had been full just an hour ago was half empty. Rosie was at Molly's...he had an afternoon shift it is...

"Too much."

"Yes."

"It's all too much, Mary."

"It is what it is."

"I should -"

"Yes."

"NO!"

"He is responsible."

"Is he?"

"Of course he is."

"Did he pull the trigger?"

"DID. he. pull. the. trigger?"

"No. But he promised. He swore. In London. His turf. His domain, you'd be safe."

"I made a decision, John."

"Mary."

"I owed him a bullet, John."

"You didn't owe him a life."

"Didn't I?"

"He pretended to die for you once already, and once his heart did stop, because I thought you wouldn't love me if you knew. I owed him, John. You need to forgive him. He is drowning. He is killing himself right now as you are talking to yourself, to me, who you know is dead. I AM dead. He is not, your friend, your very best friend is grieving, but alive. If you wait too long, he won't be alive for much longer."


	3. Under Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...Day day de mm hm  
> Da da da ba ba  
> Okay  
> Chipping around - kick my brains around the floor  
> These are the days it never rains but it pours  
> Ee do ba be  
> Ee da ba ba ba  
> Um bo bo  
> Be lap..."
> 
> -"Under Pressure"

"Car? Something...taxi...damp shoulders....no coat..."

"Mr. Holmes? Will you take my case?"

"No. It's too weird...try the police...need some tea now...bye bye..."

"Please..."

 

It was one of those nights when he missed John the most. It was pouring outside, just nonstop...case...handbag, wait...her handbag...too heavy...damn....

"Wait! Keep your hands off!" 

 

"Chips!"

"What?"

"You're suicidal, you're allowed chips...one of the few perks." Raining. Coat. Damn...Myc will be watching....plan...plan..."It's a plan."

"I'm not sweet, I'm high..."

"Case...yes, I'm going to take your case...know why?"

"Why?"

"The one impossible thing you said, 'one word changed my life forever'...and then you said it was a name...names aren't one word unless you're Napolean Bonaparte, well, Napolean would do..."

"Or Elvis.."

"I think we can safely assume, it's neither of them...but I don't work for free..."

"Do ya take cash?"

"Not cash...the gun...I'll take the gun...why does this sound familiar...god...your life is not your own...Mary...John...oh, John...."

"Faith???"

"Anyone but...you...oh."

"Yes...anyone. Anyone...why not?"


	4. Everybody Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you're on your own  
> In this life  
> The days and nights are long  
> When you think you've had too much  
> Of this life  
> To hang on
> 
> Well, everybody hurts sometimes  
> Everybody cries  
> And everybody hurts sometimes  
> And everybody hurts sometimes  
> So, hold on, hold on  
> Hold on, hold on  
> Hold on, hold on  
> Hold on, hold on
> 
> Everybody hurts
> 
> You are not alone..."

An Aston-fucking-Martin? What the fuck is, who?  
Mrs. H? Damnit. And helicopters...police...at my appointment...fuck. NO.

"No."  
"John."  
"Molly? Mycroft...anyone else?"  
"They don't matter John, not like you...please?"  
"If I'm in the neighborhood..."  
"Promise?"  
"I, yes...I promise."

"Oh, good."

Shit. I've just been played.

"Examine him."

No. Please, tell me he's not in the...boot.

"Examine him, John."

 

God he looks like hell.


	5. Bohemian Rhapsody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Open your eyes,  
> Look up to the skies and see,  
> I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,  
> Because I'm easy come, easy go,  
> Little high, little low,  
> Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me.
> 
> \- Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

"Can I get a cuppa tea?"

All I wanted was a cup of tea. Tea. 

Okay.  
Maybe.  
Maybe I've lost it a bit.  
Gone a bit too far. 

But the boot, Hudders?  
The boot was mean.  
Mean.

John.

Disappointed.  
Angry. Put out.  
He won't look me in the eye, Mary.  
Mary, think I'm officially  
in hell, but I haven't  
quite made landfall  
yet.

Just get him in the car, Mary.  
And I'll take it from there -  
The game is...on.

God, I'm so tired.


	6. Diamonds & Rust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well I'll be damned  
> Here comes your ghost again  
> But that's not unusual  
> It's just that the moon is full  
> And you happened to call  
> And here I sit  
> Hand on the telephone  
> Hearing a voice I'd known  
> A couple of light years ago  
> Heading straight for a fall..."
> 
> \- "Diamonds & Rust" by Joan Baez

"He's not a monster...okay, yes, he is, but he's our monster."

John laid back into the soft seat.  
Yes, he and Mary had done this to Sherlock.  
They hadn't asked him to...exactly...  
Yes, yes they had.  
Best man...Godfather to Rosie...  
and that damn vow he had made  
John had unknowingly punished him over  
and over for those words,  
punished him for, oddly enough,  
his sentiment, his love,  
his commitment  
to keeping his family safe.

John finally understood, he and Mary and Rosie  
were Sherlock's family, but like Sherlock had said,  
"Families fall out."

When had it happened?  
It wasn't Mary's death, though that  
was the proverbial nail  
in the coffin. Was it Sherlock's  
willingness to martyr himself  
for John's sake? Not just once,  
but over and over?

John didn't know. He wanted to be better,  
do better, but he was still so angry that  
he hadn't been able to save Mary. All he knew  
was that if things didn't change, she wouldn't  
be the only ghost who haunted him.

"So, how is he?"

"I've seen healthier corpses."

"Not a trick then?"

"Not a trick. A plan."

"What plan?"

"Best not, you won't like it..."


	7. Time After Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes you picture me  
> I'm walking too far ahead  
> You're calling to me, I can't hear  
> What you've said  
> Then you say, go slow  
> I fall behind  
> The second hand unwinds..."
> 
> -"Time After Time", Cyndi Lauper

Just like it used to be,  
but it isn't.  
He hates me now.  
Blames me for everything...  
He is here because...  
why?  
why is he here?

Because he would follow you to hell  
and back, idiot. He has so many times  
before.

Not now, Mary.  
The Game -  
I need to finish this.

"No one is untouchable."

There, you see, he believes you.

Still so angry, Mary.

He was angry before he met you, love,  
you knew that, have always known that.  
Time for the final move -  
He will be there, I promised, remember?

Unto the breach, Mary -

"I've invited her to see your 'favourite room.'"

"You don't know Faith."

"Oh, but I do, she came to Baker Street, we had chips...  
I think she liked me...  
who are you?"

Oh, Mary,  
It's always something.


	8. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't light no more of your darkness  
> All my pictures seem to fade to black and white  
> I'm growing tired and time stands still before me  
> Frozen here on the ladder of my life
> 
> Too late to save myself from falling  
> I took a chance and changed your way of life  
> But you misread my meaning when I met you  
> Closed the door and left me blinded by the light..."
> 
> -"Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me", Bernie Taupin, Elton John

You're so still -  
I don't think I've ever  
seen you so still, except -  
NO.  
I'm sor -  
No. There isn't a word  
I can think of to say  
to you that means a damn thing.  
I'm a coward, Sherlock.  
I'm actually  
grateful that you are  
asleep. You probably haven't  
slept in weeks.

Have you?

Why did you let me?  
How did I let myself do that  
to you? You didn't deserve  
it, no matter how guilty you  
feel for Mary's death, I   
shouldn't have done it.

I'm so, so, sorry,  
Sherlock.

 

"Just saying hello, then?"

"No, saying good-bye."

 

Yeah, she's right, you always  
manage to pull through, somehow.  
You'll be better off without me;  
I've done nothing but hurt you,  
over and over again, I don't deserve  
to -

 

"A parting gift."

"Oh, how nice, a walking stick."

"Yeah, used to be mine..."

 

You cured me of it, didn't you,   
made me forget, gave me so much,  
and I never really thanked you,  
not to your face, and now,  
everything's wrong between us, and  
I don't know how to fix it.

"Dr. Watson, phone's for you."

Damn...

"Yes, Mycroft?"


	9. Closer To Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable,  
> and lightness has a call that's hard to hear.  
> I wrap my fear around me like a blanket.  
> I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it.  
> I'm crawling on your shores..."
> 
> -"Closer to Fine", Amy Elizabeth Ray, Emily Ann Saliers

"But-  
you don't really  
want  
to die."

"No."

"Good.  
Say it..."

"I don't  
want to die."

"I don't  
WANT to die."

"I DON'T  
want to die..."

I.don't.  
want.to.die.  
Interesting.  
Please, John.  
Forgive me.

 

"He won't let you  
save him, so you've  
got to make him  
save you..."

"Take the car, John."

"He's not safe...  
Mary left a message."

 

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not okay.  
I'm malnourished, double  
kidney failure, and I've been  
off my tits for weeks. What  
kind of doctor are you?"


	10. Hallelujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
> I used to live alone before I knew you  
> And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
> And love is not a victory march  
> It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah..."
> 
> -"Hallelujah" Leonard Cohen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit au...I imagine they had cake much, much later...

Say something  
to him, Sherlock,  
make him stay  
and talk.  
He needs to talk -

"Are you okay?"  
Stupid.  
Stupid.  
Stupid thing to say.

"No. Of course I'm not  
'okay.'  
It is what it is  
and what it is is  
shit."

Do better, John.

"You didn't kill her..."

"In saving my life, she  
conferred a currency upon  
it that I do not know  
how to spend."

"It is what it is..."

ahhhh....

the posh boy  
loves the dominatrix.

"Happy Birthday."

"I cheated on her...  
I cheated on you, when you  
were taking care of Rosie,  
feeding our daughter,  
It was just texting.  
But I wanted more  
still do..."

 

"It's okay."

"It's not okay."

"No, but it is what it is.  
Let me be here for you,  
John. I never answer her  
texts because I love you,  
always have, always will."


End file.
